


'A little room to breathe'

by Forbiddenmichael



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, basically ashton gets down and luke knows how to treat him right, but its, but this is quite sad so be careful, some major fluff from luke side, sorry the other boys arnt mentioned at all, sorry this features sad!ashton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 11:25:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5705929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forbiddenmichael/pseuds/Forbiddenmichael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can’t love myself,” he said, this time with a bite to his voice. “And if I can’t love myself, then no one can love me” he finished. His tone was harsh-lacking the sunshine quality that normally lightened a room- and it was if he was scolding a child not talking about himself. He still hadn’t focused entirely on Luke’s face until it crumpled and tears fell from his blue eyes, wetting his bottom eyelashes and then the top ones as he blinked them away to focus back on Ashton.</p><p>when ashton cant love himself, how can he possibly love someone else? luke shows him how</p>
            </blockquote>





	'A little room to breathe'

**Author's Note:**

> okay, this one is quiet sad. 
> 
> so what did you do on the night before you 16 birthday, well write really sad!ashton. yay! 
> 
> anyway, be warned this contains self-loathing so if that's a trigger for you, then im sorry...might want to avoid this. it gets really cute and fluffy at the end, but before then, well. 
> 
> also I am aware I am abandoning all responsibilities to my ongoing chaptered fic, and I have no reason or expliantion for it. I have the story line and everything, I just don't have the mental capability at the moment. I blame my ongoing exams, maybe after them the next chapter will make an appearance. 
> 
> but till then, enjoy the established lashton-ness of this 
> 
> title (obviously) from room to breath by you me at six, because my title game is weak and that song was my jam last year

Another new refresh of the social media site bought a whole new wave of messages of hatred and insults, only written with the soul purpose to harm and cause pain to the reader. And that reader was Ashton. There had been no pinnacle point that started the messages and nothing that Ashton could think of that he may have done intentionally that had caused the written abuse. However that didn’t stop them from tearing down the mental walls that he had naturally built up when he and his 3 best friends had rose to fame, leaving him bare to the messages, so meticulously made to strike him where it hurt. 

Having no armour left, he crumpled, standing in the shared bathroom of his and his boyfriend-Luke’s hotel room, crumbing in on himself with the words swirling in his head and forcing every other happy thought out. Small whimpers and barely audible cries left his mouth, all feeling in every other part of his body was lost, and his head pounded as if the verbal abuse was actually a physical blow to the head. The ground was uncomfortable beneath him, but the tightening of the hand that had wrapped itself around his heart and throat was worst. Each and every message tightened the two hands, the one around his throat squeezing without mercy until he was wheezing, the one around his heart trying to yank his heart from his chest. 

The word swum in his head and it was like a battering ram was hitting him with such force he felt sick. But the uncertainty that yes, he in fact had done something to warrant this torrent of abuse, because really, how could such vile and passionate words be said and conjured out of thin air unless he had done something to justify them. He must have deserved it, right? No one is cruel enough to spew mindless, insensitive, insulting, scarring, hurtful words to someone unless they whole heartedly deserved it, right? 

Ashton had always prided himself in being honest and above all faithful to what he loved and what he believed in. His faith in his music was what had carried him this far and his faith in the bond he had with the people around him helped him to develop into the person he was now. He offered himself to those people, and many a time Luke had told him, that unlike Ashton, many other people were out for themselves. They did not know the morals and hold them as closely to their chest as Ashton did. Others wouldn’t care whether they crushed the heart they were meant to have held preciously in their hands, and it was Ashton’s heart that was currently being crushed by the hundreds of fans, and people alike, because he had given it plentifully and willingly to anyone willing to peer and have a look.

“Luke” Ashton whispered, choking on the tears that he hadn’t realised were tumbled down his face. Their wet salty track stung his cheeks as they dried but they were immediately replaced with new marks as more continued to fall. He didn’t feel the sting they left. He was numb, unaware of the world spinning on its axis, and the world swirling around him.

Swaying and humming along to the shuffling music erupting from his small phone’s speakers, Luke was none the wiser to Ashton’s breakdown, continuing to make the dinner that he had planned for the two of them. He was oblivious to the pain wracking Ashton’s frame whilst he flittered around the small kitchenette thinking of how domestic and even verging on romantic the evening was panning out to be.   
“Luke” Ashton whimpered again. His voice shook and was only slightly louder than before, so the sound of the loud, rowdy music playing drowned out his voice. Finally finishing, and adding the final flourish to the table setting, Luke went in search of his boyfriend. Not because he had heard his pain filled whimpers, but just because the younger boy missed Ashton’s large hands on his waist and the curly haired boy’s nose pressed into the curve of his shoulder blade as he cooked- Ashton would have balanced his head in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck, but even though he was older, he did not have the advantage of being taller than the blonde. 

Not knowing what he was about to stumble into, Luke walked into the double bedroom and then to the bathroom, where faint shuffling and the hints of movement could be heard. 

“Ashton where are y-“but he were cut off by the scene before him. His bleary eyed boyfriend, was sat, or more accurately sprawled across the tiled floor of the bathroom, his hair messy but still kept under control by a tightly tired bandana he himself had tied for the older boy earlier that day. His black jeans had specs of dirt and fluff on them which had stuck to black fabric when they had come into contact with the floor.

Luke tried to speak, but his own words choked him and he felt the sting of tears in his eyes. Ashton looked up at the figure in the door- the figure he had been craving to see the silhouette of- and his hazel eyes showed fear and such vulnerability that the blonde just wanted to hold him and stop him from ever leaving his – albeit skinny- arms, so as not to let anyone else hurt him like this again.

“Oh Ash” he whispered before collapsing onto the floor next to him and pulling him upright. Luke used his arms to pull the other boy into something that vaguely resembled a sitting position, before he slouched into Luke’s side. Ashton leaned his head on the blonde’s broad shoulder, sniffling and unclenching and clenching his large hands around his phone.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Luke whispered, pulling the sniffling boy away from his shoulder by the back of his t-shirt. Ashton’s tear streaked face was inches from his, and Luke’s hands reached up to cup his cheeks, rubbing soothing circles into the red skin under them, and swiping at the tears that still managed to continue falling from his dazed, hazel eyes. Luke used a small hand to brush away the stray strands of hair from in front of his boyfriend’s normally beaming face. 

“I’m not good enough” Ashton whispered, his eyes hardening as he came too and focused on the younger boy’s face. “I can’t love myself,” he said, this time with a bite to his voice. “And if I can’t love myself, then no one can love me” he finished. His tone was harsh-lacking the sunshine quality that normally lightened a room- and it was if he was scolding a child not talking about himself. He still hadn’t focused entirely on Luke’s face until it crumpled and tears fell from his blue eyes, wetting his bottom eyelashes and then the top ones as he blinked them away to focus back on Ashton.

“I love you, Ashton” Luke whispered, his mouth hanging slightly open once he finished, breathing through it as his nose had become blocked as his sinuses clogged when he began crying. Ashton’s cheeks felt warm in his hands, the skin smooth under his thumbs as he swiped under Ashton’s eyes again, but the expression in his eyes was cold and hard. Ashton blinked, vision clearing slightly. 

“But-but you can’t, I-I-I…” he stuttered, his lower lip quivering and eyes brightening with new tears. Luke squeezed his face slightly and tilted it upwards so Ashton’s cast down eyes flitted upwards. 

“I do Ashton. I really do, I love the way that you light up on stage, the way you completely come out of yourself and it’s like it’s just you and the drums and that’s it. Everything else fades away, and it’s like you have your own personal spotlight- not the spotlight from the stage lighting, but one that lights you up, and causes you to shine so bright. You’re blinding Ash, and I can’t catch my breath around you. No one can. It’s like the whole world holds its breath for you Ashton.”

He swiped at the older boys wet eyelashes, darker than their usual gold, “And I love the way that your hair curls-“he moved a hand to the wispy hairs by the side of Ashton’s face, “-just here when you sweat. It happens always when you’re drumming. I don’t even mind that you’re all sweaty and wet and gross when you come off stage and hug me, because when you do, these little bits of hair-“ Luke twiddled one of them round his finger, “Always tickle the side of my face, and I love that.” 

Luke gave him a watery smile and moved his hand away from the fluffy baby hair peaking from underneath to the back of Ashton’s neck. He curled his hand around it, and pulled Ashton gently towards him. Their foreheads touched, and Luke felt as though he could feel the tension being released under his fingertips at the touch of their skin. Ashton was still sat on the floor, legs sticking outwards towards the door, and Luke mirrored his position. The whole side of their bodies touched, and so did their foreheads. With breath intermingling between them, Luke thought that even though they weren’t tangled in a mess of limbs, he felt so close to Ashton in that moment.

“And I love the way that you always snore slightly in your sleep and how you always have one and a half sugars with your coffee, always half even though it is so difficult to measure. And I love the way your hair still parts just so when you run your hands through the middle of it. And I love your voice when you sing, even though you don’t do it that often- which you should by the way. 

“And I love the way you interact with people, always making sure they are happy before yourself. You put other people’s happiness and love above your own, as if you are beneath them, Ash. You’re not, you are good and kind and honest and if anything you are more worthy of that little patch of sunshine and happiness that any of the people you rate above yourself.” Luke’s eyes took on a dazed quality when he spoke; listing all the things he loved about his boyfriend as if he was only doing it for his own enjoyment. His lips quirked up and he could have spoken for hours, but Ashton’s little sniff broke him from his revive. 

“And god Ashton I just love you.” Luke used his other hand to cradle Ashton’s face, and he felt the older boy smile against his palm. “I will teach you how you how to love yourself Ashton. To show you how much I love you.” Luke soothed. The blonde was surprised his own voice didn’t crack and wobble, or that he didn’t stumble over his words as he fought to talk around the lump in his throat. But this wasn’t about the emotions of love and devastation that his boyfriend couldn’t find anything within himself to love that Luke was feeling, this was about Ashton.

“Okay,” Ashton croaked out, whilst leaning into Luke’s touch, “I love you too Lukey, and if anyone can teach me how to love myself, it’s you”.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :)
> 
> maybe comment and tell me what you think??


End file.
